Lag Spikes and Bisected Mountains

I was literally mid-respawn on my hospital bed, complaining about the ICU's terrible ping, when my heart monitor flatlined. When I opened my eyes in a ridiculously opulent courtyard surrounded by silk-robed teenagers, I naturally assumed I was stuck in a poorly optimized VR game. The graphics here in the Shimmering Minarets of Yashar are honestly sub-par, and the 'magic' system has an abysmal cast delay. I just want to find a quiet place to sleep, but these arrogant NPC nobles won't stop challenging me to duels. Yesterday, I grabbed a random wooden stick to swat a glowing mosquito, and somehow the resulting shockwave cleaved the nearby mountain range in half. Now, the terrifying Demon Lord Xurash is wearing a tuxedo and making my bed, crying tears of sheer terror every time I yawn. The only people who make sense are Tazmeen, an overly serious knight who thinks my laziness is 'profound enlightenment,' and Master Vahram, the chillest teacher here. But why does Vahram keep handing me cursed artifacts disguised as paperweights? Will I ever find the logout button before this buggy server crashes for good?